maybeee

if I keep blogging about how much I wanna dissappear, if I just will. Seriously, wouldn't even complain

and ill walk away

Pretending I dont know you. Because I know there are better things awaiting me that will show i've made the right choice.

because

i love youu. ill give you a second chance. because i care about you, ill continue to help you get this relationship back on track. because your my brother, ill look out for you and stand by you no matter what your choose. because your my bestfriend, ill pretend she's not ruining your life or our friendship. because your a good person i try and trust she has some kind of good in her. because you love her, i do my best to be happy for you. however, she is a jealous, coniving, immature, controlling, hippocritical, young, ridiculous, rude, bitch that has now made it her goal not to make a good bond and relationship with you. but to get me out of the picture so she can feel superior. fair... ? NOPE. am i going to let her get away with it..? NOPE.

strength

You wont take my happiness anymore. Now that I know the reason you took it originally and what I did.. well didnt to that made you throw me away. Im moving on- from hope of a better future, from reminisence of the past, and sadness that this is what its come down to. I cant take it anymore. Im the one who is suffering because of it, because we all know you cant FEEL. And I know my truth. For awhile there I let you ruin me, I let you take my light and my shine but no more. I have never wished you anything but the best and Im now leaving it at that. So heres to me, getting my life back. FINALLY.

dear,___

Hopefully one day someone will show you how to treat the people you care about. Or that pretending to be a persons bestfriend is NOT okay. You cant see the hole your digging deeper and deeper into by letting me think everything is great between us than turning around and talking shit on me and making people resent me because you have some dysfunctional irrational problem with me your to afraid to admit to my face. I loved youu like a fucking brother and here you come on your goddamn high horse acting like im some insignificant pawn because you have all these girls following you around. WELL GUESS WHAT. I am one of the bestfriends you will ever lose and I pray to God that you regret treating me the way you do. I am sick and tired of being treated like im a nobody to the people i hold to a high position of friendship. If you dont want to be in my life FINE but just frickin tell me so i stop wasteing MY senior year on you fake, shady people who dont have the balls to tell me the truth. Its such crap and i deserve better. MUCH much better.                             FUCK these people. im ready for new ones...

so i thought..

i had a tight grip on reality... but i cant let go of whats in front of me

well,

I used to blog because I felt better after and because I knew I wasn't hiding anything. Now, I blog because I have no one to talk to.

after a while

You learn to be numb to all things that hurt you. Unfortuneatly.. I am not numb yet. I still feel every burning word, every insult that wasn't meant to be one. Every whisper and lie and rumor and harsh phrase. I still cry because of the memory that was you. I wish everyday that you had the decency to tell me what i did so i could change for you, since you were so unwilling to change for me. However, love is a powerful thing. And i know that one day i will find the friends who actually love me the way i love them. who will defend me and care for me and accept me for who i am. Not pretend to be my friend than disappear without reason or conversation. That's the hardest part. That i didnt get closure. That you stole my happiness from me as so many others have without even a god damn explanation. And now all i see is what i wish i would have said or done and how many more times this will happen to me. But i have no way to stop it. Its inevitable. Tragic hero syndrome.

you

cant make me mad, you cant rile me up. I will not show you any care nor attention and I will not let you affect me. Not anymore. I'm free now and balls been in your court for awhile...only so much time left until you lose it forever.

given this sudden change of situation

Today, the day i was excited for all summer, was definitely far from what I wish it would have been. I saw it as debuing the new me, with my new "real" bestfriends and crew that stood strong for me. JOKE. One of the biggest betrayels ever afflicted upon me changed everything and now, here I am with this new, basically dgaf, view of this year. Dont get to close and I wont get hurt right?.. So, no one will affect me. No changes will surprise me, and im giving up on trusting people to be real with me. Its highschool, thats just to unrealistic. All i want is an apology and an actual sincere conversation, but balls not in my court anymore. and my life as an emotional rollercoaster continues. oh joyyy. In other news, me and austin are better than ever with all this crap happening, I feel like he's the only one who truly cares and understands ME. Through everything he's the only one who has really stayed loyal and shown me how much he truly loves me. Im also going to touch on Tierra and how happy i am she was able to apologize for her part and let me do so for mine and im soooooooo excited to welcome her back into my adventure of a senior year. I hope it all somehow falls into place. we'll see. : /

you dont deserve it

i could write a monologue about how devistated i am. but i just cant find the words. because things change, and friends leave, but life doesnt stop for anyone.

sometimes

i just want something for me, because i give you whatever you ask. i want you to step up your stupid standards and realize how fucking stupid you look going after a sophomore and what i  really want is proof. That i am a priority and that you do fucking care. Cause right now, this is nottttt cutting ittt...

soooo

everything is all better, just in time for schoool! <3 im giddy with excitement.

if my enter button was working.

I would I.M. you like I have always done. I would tell you why I was upset and hope that this time was the last time I'd need to. Id tell you that you are my bestfriend and that no matter what ill always be there to listen and understand. Id make sure you realized the amount of care I have for you and how strong and independent you are, and the envy that gives me. I would ask you to come see me before your game so we could really have that re-bonding moment. I would understand when you couldn't and love you all the same. I would promise to be more understanding and know that you say it out of insecurity or playfullness or sarcasm. And I would prove to you that your important to me. I would make it all okay.          But my enter button doesnt work. And this time, I want you to care.                                                                                                  Love aand rockets i suppose.

dear eminem,

I would to thank you and Rihanna for getting me through tonight.
thats all.

honestly

I just wanna hit you in the face with a crowbar.
volleyball tomorrow <3

welllll

Right now all I see are the problems in other peoples lives and all the drama that is going to occur as soon as school starts. So i've been thinking about how some people wish to have me act and speak and respond to other's actions. A self-contained, controlled, polite, accepting, simple, quiet, someone who knows when and when not to talk, godly, cyborg like so many other teenagers at San Juan Hills But you fucking know what? I am DIFFERENT. Im outspoken and exceedingly loyal and love certain people with such a passion it hurts others to observe. I know im not the prettiest and that I'm not the smartest or the most cordial. However, I am me. And i am not going to sit here any longer and let you tell me what I should and shouldnt do. Im tired of feeling left out and NEVER knowing whether or not my friends are real or fake. This bullshit backstabbing crap is too much for me now. Somehow i have found this unexplainable inner anger I feel like ive been holding in forever. I want you to know that I really dont care that you may not like me. Im not changing and everyone should know that by now. So if you cant decide what you want from me, dont waste my freaking time. I probably dont need you anyway. I have people who are able to show me that they care, that want to spend their life with me. Im a big girl. You dont need to lie to me to protect me. I am who I am, and im sorry but, change will come at a time when I see necessary.
sorry for the random outburst.

love and rockets,
torrie kendall

I just want

everything to be better with us. But I know i'm the last person you want to talk to. Which puts a damper on things.
Sooo that fucking sucks.

love and rockets,
torrrie kendall

and suddenly

Everything seems so much bettter. It's all coming together for me and now, I cant wait for senior year. No more enemies for reasons I dont know. New friends and old friends all showing me that i'm more than important to them. And because im now making ammends and getting closer everyone, it makes it harder to know who I can and can not trust. I feel like the only people I can fully count on are the guys in my life. I just wish that the girls would realize that talking shit is going to get them no where. I mean i know my moral compass doesnt point due north, but im not about to say something about someone i wouldnt be ready to say right to there face. Im not going to open myself to these people who dont really care how much they can hurt someone with dumbass rumors and words. Its so stupid. Other than that though, im reallllllly happy with everything thats happened this summer !! I've had so much fun with my girls and boys and the crazy times weve had. Megan has been there for almost every single one and I wouldnt change that for the world. Shes straight up with me and lets me be who I am. <3 ummm FOOTBALL SEASON. i cant waiiiittt ...! I dont know this blog has no cohesiveness and im just babbling so imma end it (:

you dont have to love me. you dont even have to like me. but you will respect me.

love and rockets,
torrriiieee

favorites:
my nugget. (brendon)
christian stubbbba
my wife ceris.
anorttties.
megatronnn
<3

Home at last

And though i will definitely say my time there was a waste, I'll admit I am much more greatful for everyone I have in my life. My girls are my everything and Austin, well.. I never want to go two weeks without him again. I realized that out of sight doesn't mean out of mind and my true friends have shown me that by little reminders i'm not forgotten. However, now that I have returned. Lets make up for lost time shall we? (:
I'm so ready to go out and see the people I missed the most and reinstill that real bestfriend feeling that i've been longing for while I was away. I know everyones lives went on without me but im just hoping I didn't miss anything so critical I wont be as welcomed back as others will. Especially now that it is out final year, our last everything, I need to make real memories. Ones I can remember as the best times of my life. So here we go kids.. This is it, the last hoorah.


Love and Rockets,
the long lost torrie kendall

time to start the countdown

I officially have TWO days left on the golden coast.. :(. How is it going to survive without me? However, today I spent a whoppping fourteen hours at the beach with my WONDERFUL boyfriend and then was joined by many, maaannnyy others. I was so surprised everyone I wanted there was actually, there. I mean yes there were some minor bumps but all were overcome with the fact that everyone there in theory was in celebration of my existence..Im going to miss everyone sooo much (ever though im only gonna be gone for like 2 weeks) ew its going to feel like a lifetime. Especially being away from Austin.. The longest we've been apart in our almost year and a half relationship is five days. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?! I love him so much and I know when I get back it's going to have made us stronger and more "healthy" but damn it.. I just want him all the time. I just hope he doesnt succomb to being exactly what the guys want from him and realizes how many other people love him despite what his asshole friends try to convince him. UGH it makes me so mad. I digress.. No focusing on negatives, today was like the best day of the summer and I cant believe how blessed I am to be surrounded by such amazing, hilarious people that appreciate and care about me.. This will probably be my last b l o g till i get back : /
GOD I'm going to miss you guys

LOTS of love and rockets,
Whoretor Kendall.


<333333333
Austin Norton.TierraDHTerrell.Chelsea Parlett.Logan Newlan.Jackie Mitchell.Chandler Ciernia. Kayla Redivo. Mac Bauman

All ive been thinking lately

Is where the HELL would I be had I not switched to San Juan.. Not meeting all my now bestfriends and "group". Not feeling comfortable being who I am around the people who mean the most to me. I LOVE EVERYTHING about right now and this summer. I've never had more fun over such a small period of time in my life, and now that I have my SUN back. I am dreading leaving for Idaho. But hey, everyone needs to disappear every once in awhilee (:

love and rockets,
Torrie Kendall

dynamite.

Well, two weeks gone.. does it feel like it? Not at all. The weather has been remarkably hideous, but the memories have alreayd began being made. Some of my "bestfriends" have decided to disclude themselves from my life at this time, but their definitely MISSING OUT and letting themselves be forgotten. My "summmmer family" as chelsea calls it is somehting I couldn't be happier with and the other close friends im spending my time with are making this the hands down best summer of my life. In other news, Austin is WONDERFUL. Our relationship has done a full 180 and I cant believe I can see him everyday and continuously feel overjoyed to spend time with him. He is my kind of perfect, end of story <3. I don't want to brag at all or anything.. but I am having the time of my life. Thanks girls and boys for the helppp (;

love and rockets,
torrie

"you only live once, but when you live like us.. once is enough."

exciteddd

This summer has been pretty slow and im happy about that. Relaxation and sleep have been my life and now, the partying begins. Tonight I will be going to Johnny Oskam's grad party, an old friend from schs and I can't believe i'm gonna be seeing my old friends. So weird. I dont know if im excited or uncomfortable but it should be fun if the right people are there.. ahhhh
tommorow im going to work from 11 to 3 then a barbeque then ryans grad party.. nothin after that thoughh

love and rockets,
torrie kendall

anticipation

Two more days. I can't believe it! I've been at SanJuan for a full year now and I still feel like im brand new. I still walk the campus feeling like a foreigner and now, i'm realizing this is where I belong. This has by far been the best school year of my life. I was blessed with the chance to completely renew my life and meet all these INCREDIBLE new people who have become some of my best friends. I excelled in academics and sports and now, I get to spend summer with the people I'm proud to call my true friends. I just can't believe it. Im so happpy with my choice and honestly I can barely imagine where my life would be if I had chosen to stay at SC. I know sometimes things were rough and that tensions rose, but thats highschool. Back and forth and dramatic and entertaining. Austin was my consistency and without him none of this happiness would have happened. Thank you everyone for a practically perfect year and thanks to AJ for implenting the idea to switch.

mucho love and rockets,
torrie kendall


extra love and luck on finals to :
turrrrra terrell
chelsea parlett
anorties
zoe nolan
aj bogle
and mr perryman who has rejoined us <3

and the plot thickens

Normally, I cannot stand being alone. However lately i've almost thrived of silence and comfort and the knowledge I can survive on my own. I know first hand what its like to be thrown out and put down by people who mean the world to you and I am coming to realize that after that first blow, things aren't really ever the same. Keep them at arms length as my daddy put it, never letting someone who betrayed you to have that opportunity to do so again. My drama has practically disappeared and my life has been filled by numerous things to keep me occupied and needed. I am a huge asset to PacSun and am getting more hours than ever, in the two weeks I was excommunicated or whatever I spent more time with my friends than I have this whole year and all of this has led me to ONE conclusion. This is going to be the BEST SUMMER YET! I will only be disappearing for two weeks at the end of July and tend to take advantage of all my new realizations and appreciation for my true friends. I love you guys so much and I cant imagine where i'd be if i had stayed at SC.(: I've been letting others control me and make me feel like I only matter when i'm behind them for so long and now I feel as if i'm completely renewed into a more independent, self-confident, and caring person. And although these are all attributes I have had all along and have been showing for awhile now, I am soooo much more proud of who i've become by myself and the huge impact I hope I have made in many peoples lives. It took quite a decent amount of time but I finally know who I am, 100 %. Thank you to everyone who helped me this year and has stood by me through it all <3

Love and rockets,
Torwhore Kendall <3

PLEASE

Just grow up and leave me alone.

i hate nonsense.

"You don't deserve a point of view, when the only thing you see is you" I am going to warn you now, this is not going to be a nice blog..

First of all: FUCK YOU. You seriously think it's okay that after everything i've done for you and all the shit ive given up for you that it is okay for you to treat me like this? By the stuff your saying, this last year has meant nothing to you and you have learned nothing about who I am and how much my friends mean to me. Fine, excommunicate me. Try and make my boyfriend feel like shit and put him in the middle of our drama, he is going to take my side. You know why? Not because he is whipped or because he loves me but for the sole reason that YOU. ARE. WRONG. You are so out of line and fabricating so many things to try and make your sad sad life better. boofuckinghoo. I get that I made the mistake of showing weakness and being emotional trying to look out for your girlfriend but now you turn it into me being selfish? WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?! I was worried she wouldn't have a good time or would be uncomfortable because the only people going were my 5 closest friends. But fine, this is all just a game where you get to control your friends into hating one person at a time then months or weeks later so graciously letting them back under your reign. You. are. pathetic. I do not understand you though, throwing out your bestfriends for no legitimate reason other than to feel superior again. I am so sick and tired of your nonsense and how much I try and be there for you, try and let you into MY family since yours is falling apart, and give EVERYTHING to you because you were my bestfriend and my boyfriends bestfriend. Fuck that I guess... GROW UP dude and look around you. Your not alone, but if you keep this up... you will be pretty damn soon.

Torrie

i dont wanna lose your love toniiiggghhht

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone. OHHH star testing who would have thought you would be able to assist me with my problems. I shall never underestimate you again because, well... I never have to take you again !!

UNFORGETTTABLE day and night today.... i love my friends and boyfriend and friend's boyfriends and boyfriend's friends and playing football and volleyball and builing walls and singing in the back of trucks and being teenagers pretending it's summer to avoid the perils that come with school.

              I       NEED      SUMMER    NOW.
love and rockets,
Torrie Kendall.

i am having

the worst week. Hopefully this weekend is better

i am a rockstar.

gonna make this a quickie.

tierraterrell breeivar austinnorton
chelseaparlett alliecarr zoenolan
jessicawoodley ajbogle mamakendall
devinharrison and kellycronin.

I LOVE YOU and I am here for you (:

love and rockets,
Torrie Kendall

prom and birthday this weekend<3

I am

loud. I am outgoing. I am confident. I am annoying. I am loyal. I am spontaneous. I am obnoxiously organized. I am clumsy and soccer is my passion. I am in love. I would do anything for the people im proud to call my bestfriends. I am a christian. And I am going to be all that I am every moment of every day no matter who I am around or what I am doing. If that offends anyone, first off... I apologize and that said, secondly.. stop paying so much attention to me and live your own life. I am affectionate and compassionate no matter what race gender sexual orientation as long as your a good person and allow me too. I. WILL. HUG. YOU. Once again this is not a matter of offense it's a matter of clarification. Also, anyone may read my past blogs if they feel any doubt on how mad I am over my baby or, you could look at how I react every time I see him.. It's like the second birth of christ. I am not confrontational and I will never fall to another persons feet because I am not liked. I am who I am and its all or nothing.

A much needed congratttts goes out to Ms. Zoe Nolan for getting yearbook editor<3
love and rockets,
Torrie Kendall. <3

ummm.

Dear friends and strangers.

I am here to announce my unconditional love for Tierra Ashley-Yvette Terrell. We had a moment tonight while dancing at the top of the world in San Clemente and I am proud to say that I plan to wisk her away from her half.. maybe 3/4 of a boyfriend and elope with her into the Dominican Republic to go CRAAAAZZZYYYY. Austin may be a little upset, but I do not care because our love is pure. We shall adopt many mixed-race babies and live happily ever after in our own happy little world.

In other news Dana Hills lost to SC volleyball in a tradgic game. However, SC's legacy of winning league is still OVER. hahahahahaha sucks. GOOOO DANA <3 I shall be attending this final game which shall be played at Dana at 530ishhh against Tesoro. For LEAGUE. btw. I love Austin. He is my favoritee no big deal. Now I am off to do my remedial mathematics and watch all my tivoed shows including Glee, the Hills, Modern Family, Lost, and American Idol. 

love and rockets,
Torrie Kendall.

I told you I believe. I believe in everything.

Life's taken quite a turn for me..I've opened up to everything. I'm done sitting in my wave of the usual and not letting my life take its course, and I feel so incredible. God is guiding me for the first time in a very long time and almost everything, my relationships, my attitude, and the way things are unfolding just seem to be easier and more worthwhile. Basically what im trying to get across from my computer to yours is that, well FINALLY. I've been searching and crawling on my hands and knees hoping for a doorway or a solid path and here it is, when I was a papercut away from breaking down. Thats life for you. Things change, people leave, shit happens but it never pauses for anyone. Day by day, its work and thats never going to change so why try and change it. Time to keep on keeping on and grow into the person I know I have the potential to be. Get readddy woah is on the prowl <3

love and rockets,
WOAH

inspired by my new friend..

For you.

I wish I could express to you all the thoughts and things inside my head, but for some reason I cant seem to find the words when your in front of me. So, this is for you. Our relationship is so messy and complicated and I have no idea how to deal with it and yet, I love us and understand us so well. You love me so much and it scares the crap out of me because I know that you know me better than I or anyone knows myself. You have more power than you could ever imagine and that is all my fault. I let you save me and mold me into who I am now, and I truly believe if you hadn't come along I wouldn't have half the confidence and self-respect that I have now. Your my bodyguard and you keep me safe from the corruption of this world allowing me to stay the little kid I just want to be. The big problem with all this though is that you know how to ruin me. When we fight, it feels like everything is crashing down for me. You have so much power and break me so easily and I don't understand why you take advantage of that sometimes because whenever I see you hurting all I want to do is heal the world so you have nothing to be sad about. We get so caught up in what were fighting about and it's ridiculous cause I am just want to be excited and at home. Baby,we have so much going for us and I know were gonna make it, but we have to get past whatever this is. I need you in my life. Simple, done, that's it. I NEED YOU. My heart beats for you and the way you love me. Your home to me, nothing feels more right. I'll keep giving until I have nothing left and I promise to keeping loving and trusting you until you ask me not to anymore. I love you Austin and thats what it comes down to, that as much as we bicker and argue and whatever else were it. I Love You and that will get us through the bullshit because it's what sets us apart and what makes us real. I thrive on your laughter. I live for our kid moments and I wouldn't trade you in for the world bubs. Your stuck with me.

love and airplanes,
Torcakes (:

Drama

people thrive on it, people are ruined by it, and people can't seem to overcome it. Drama never really rolls over because it will always haunt the people truly affected. So here I am playing little miss psychologist for my girl's because their men are total d-bags. Why can't guys just be CONSISTENT?! If you like a girl like her around your friends, in all circumstances. If you love a girl, love her unconditionally because we sometimes do things that are going to frustrate you because your supposed to just LOVE us. If you don't like a girl, let. her. go. There are plenty other guys out there for us and if you are being a coward because your afriad of the aftermath, please frickin save it because we don't need your pity... ANYWAAAAY

With BabyBreez dealing with dumbboys, she's sleeeping over and its gonna be a blasty blast.<3 All is well in the love life and friend life for me and I am sooo excited for this weekend and everything else. (((:
Tyrone Wells-April 23rd
Into the Woods-April 24th
Prom-May 15th and June 5th
Birthdayy-May 16th
Bamboozle road show-June 4th

love and rockets,
Torrie kendall

once upon a time

In a world of doubt and fear and constant questioning of how to go on living life, there were three types of people. The people who thrived on looking for trouble and mindlessly going on with their lives with no idea how to handle the positive and negative things and emotions they were experiencing. The people who lived their lives in tunnel vision, going down a path of obedience and "truth" deciding to live safe and without risk in order to protect their reputations and well-beings based on what society feels is okay and right. And then the people who decided not to live either life, but just to go, facing what comes upon them with in depth choice based on situation and enviornment. These people were the people truly living, not letting an unhealthy relationship, bad experience, or belittling friends hold them back from fulfilling their potential and also have the capability to cause a little chaos when frustration or temptation took over. And while time pressed on the mindless continued to lose themselves in their "normalcy", the obedient continued to miss out of life because of fear, and the unpredictable continued on with minimal regrets living life their way with pride and happiness. The End.

love and rockets,
torrie kendall <3

Bad Day.

You don't have to believe me but the way I see it. Next time you point a finger I might have to bend it back or break it off. Next time you point a finger, i'll point you to the mirror.
-Torrie

We got more bounce.

Quite a successfull spring break I would say. Got myself a pretty decent base tan for the beach season to come and definitely made this much needed week worth while. I was with Austin and Aj everyday and everyone else who participated in my adventures im so thankful for because there was not ONE disappointing day. Things that were accomplished:
-bought prom dress. !
-got closer to great friends
-ate a sprinkles cupcake
-went to the laguna beach top of the world
-bought a crazy skirt
-got into minimal trouble with the dragon lady
-anddd fell back into real love with my boyfriend.
I think it was a well spent break and i'm so happy for summer now. Everything just seemed to work out and im very optimistic going back to school now..
GLEE ON TUESDAY. <3
-Torrie

I feel like

No one is blogging haha. I had an incredible weekend. It was almost surreal, I feel like I barely did anything yet I am so happy and thrilled by the events that occurred. Today just seemed to feed off my weekend, even though the random stupid problems in my life haven't gone away or been resolved I have lost all care for them and the people who they are associated with. Let the mean girls of highschool continue to attempt to belittle me and other people in ridiculous ways, those of us who are strong and confident will always fly above it. However, I do understand a few personal issues I have that I could fix and will do my best to do so. I am dying for spring break adventures. DYING. I need to be swept away from everyone and everything and just live. I really hope that I can connect to the girls a little more.

Lastly, I'd like to mention my disgust for people particularly girls who hate other people with no reason or explanation. Why must you judge so many great people because their not what you think you want in a friend. People will always surprise you so grow up.

MAJOR love and rockets,
Torrie

wow

I am so in love with you. There is no other way for me to explain it or respond to how i'm feeling. There is no other way to describe this feeling at all. HE gives me the drive to make it through my problems and is the only person who has been there for me since before my mistake. Even when everyone else turned their backs and hearts on me he was the only one who refused to give up on me. And look at me now. It doesn't matter what happens when we fight because we get through it. Just like Megan told me, "Just remember that he makes you happy, and happiness is hard to find, and its the reason the two of you are together. It's so important to stick to that, it will get you through just about anything." SO TRUE. Not one of my bestfriends has ever come close to treating me with as much respect and care as he has and it is sooooo unfair that he doesn't get everything he deserves. Im not going anywhere.


1st John 4:18- There is no fear in love.
Torrie

charmingly befuddled.

This week was exhausting, incredible, dramatic, relaxing, sad, and I dont even know just a HUGEEE realization of how easy I have it and how lucky I am. Friday, I went home and relaxed then went to Austin's to help him with his Bible Lit. paper. Aside from the ultimate lameness of that, we had a big talk about us, the hard times were both going through, and our hopes for the future.
Saturday was quite the soap opera to say the least. I woke up at 6:30 and went to Austin's tournament alllllllllllllll day basically. Well until 4:30 which is forever and a day for volleyball tournaments. Immediately following that was drama with his coach being the biggest tool in the history of the earth and the pleasure he gets from fucking with Austin's head (I will explain tommarow in further detail if requested). Then, the real tragedy began. Austin's dad went to the Swallows day parade, and ofcourse as a resident got completely wasted and soon was verbally and emotionally abused by Austin's mom. Which sucks because he does not deserve anything close to that. This led to a long deep conversation between Jason(dad) and Austin. It RUINED me to see them like that. I hate seeing Austin cry, I feel so horrible and all I want to do is fix everything in his world to make him happy. He talked to me about how hard it is for him to get by financially right now and also how much he hates the fact he cant ever remember things. Ofcourse, these are both things I cant help with AT ALL. Fucking sucks.
NOW on to the fun part: After the long, highly anticipated wait, Austin, AJ, Mehdi, Zach, Jessica, Becky, and I all went over and stayed the night at Chaz's. Time of my life? I think so!?! We watched ratatouille, particpated in the appreciation of the vegetation the earth has so rightfully planted for us ;), got a tour of Chaz's neighborhood, rollercoastered, listened to selena gomez, I cant even explain. The best part, waking up to Austin in the morning. <3 Today was for relaxation sooo I slept and ate and watched New moon.

Love and Rockets,
Victoria Elizabeth Kendall. (:


"You only live once. But when you live like us, once is enough."

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.

I have asked a thousand ways, that you would take my pain away

Wow, this was one emotional rollercaoster of a weekend. Friday, oh Friday. School was actually pleasant, then my long lost friend Brad picked me up and he, I, and our friend Marawan all went to Austin's tournament in Irvine. Then I proceeded to see long lost friend number 2 (gavin) who ended up being a womanizing asshole who loves to have sex with as Chelsea so amazingly put it "faceless girls" which almost brought me to tears considering I basically brought him back out of the ruins after he broke my heart then his following girlfriend broke his. Drama. Sorry. Moving on. After I went to Austin's house and we had one of those relationship changing nights you read about in fairytales. Yay non-womanizin assholes. !!

Saturday I had a game and we won 6-2, which in soccer language means we kicked some ass. Following that Chels and Megan came over and we all went to Bre's house which I thought was incredibly fun. I bonded with some of the guys, had a heart to heart with people I thought I never would, realized how much I need my man at parties with me, and just had some good old California teenage wasteland fun. It was overall a happy ending. Today though, started with some super sad drama that would have easily been avoided if people would start thinking for themselves. That however, turned into fishing with Austin, sushi, and an all day movie session at his house. I love surprises.

Pretty successful weekend I'd say. Thank you everyone who participated in it.
Love and rockets,
Victoria Elizabeth Kendall.

acn<3

Bad looks, and perfect combinations.

Not much happened today or has been happening with me lately. Yes, there were the momentary pieces of unwanted drama but im not going to waste my time for someone to get up the courage to come make ammends. Everyonee else, however, seem to have unnatural amounts of problems and I LOVE helping people and giving advice to my friends who need it so, i'm not complaining. Austin's fantastic, were both really busy right now and not seeing much of eachother but ironically we are fighting way less and alot happier haha. Weird. UH lets talk about todayy...


Decorated and procrastinated in chemistry, probably going to have Tierra tutor me and miss Tatum. Third period was amazzzzing as always, tried to figure out how to give a bad look and how to make noises with gumm..I dont know, I had a blast.. Lunch was funny, and in English I practiced giving people bad looks. Soccer practice was great haha, Rubys with Bri, Lindsay, Jordan, and Josh (:


Nothin cynical or sad todayy <3,
love and rockets,
Torrie

MADAMEEEEEE

If I had my own world Everything would be nonsense. Everything would whats its not because everything would be what it isnt.
Today was one of those getting better then worse then better and better days. Started off good with Austin's weekly starbucks run to school since he has late start. Third period always makes my day, I love Austin Seidel's white ass, Billy's random bursts, Merediths silence, Casey's hair, and Tierra in every way. haha. Then there was lunch, OH lunch. Family trees, making fun of everything, I dont even know. Got home, fought with Austin, he came over, all better. Then dad offered to bring me taco bell, Tierra is continuously making me actually laugh out loud, the office is on, im going to Bamboozle. Im just a happy camper today.
ahhhhhh cant wait for my highly anticipated floatie beach adventure<33

major love and rockets,
madame torrie.
contributors to this fantastic mood:
wifey/twinnnnie
mistresss<33
max the mooose
alcohol allie
austin cody
adrian bogle
mychal tamaki
and... bama hahaha

Grrrrrr

I miss summer. SO much. Spring break is a horrible little teaser that draws you into the relaxation and freespirit then spits you back into 11 more weeks of highschool hell. This weekend was a summer weekend. No worries, great parties, recoveringg time, late night del taco runs, apart from the rain it was definitly incredible. Drama levels are all down in my life and im trying to help my friends with decreasing their own.. Friday was Alice in wonderland night, that movie was so epic if you see it, upgrade to 3D! It is seriously so worth it. After, Austin finally opened up about how much he has on his plate right now and filled me on things I had no idea were hurting him. I feel alot closer to him now and feel like now I can really help and support him through everything.Yesterday, I lost my soccer game in Rancho but had such a blast, it is basically an all out brawl/bitch fest between my team and those coto spoiled brats. After was Austin's grandmas party, Chelsea's party, andd Hope's party. Each was as fun as the next. Woke up this morning with the pain that comes only  from being sinful. However, starbucks and bagelshack always do the trick to take care of that. Now, im slowly recovering from my weekend and cant wait for the Academy awards tonight. (:

Anyway, I'm reallly starting to open up and feel comfortable with people I didn't think i would ever connect with..All this continuously reflects all the stuff I could see happening over summer. Time to just keep down the path im on and remain true to myself. (:

loveee and rockets,
Torrie

phrase of the week: bitches aint shit.

Friday night in Eflat

How is it that Im nice to you from day one, and yet you somehow are set on ruining my friendships. The first rumor, yes I was upset, but quickly I got over it UNTIL walaaaa rumor number two comes into effect and this one, Ill admit I did not take lightly at all. AND NOW, after the drama has died and all wounds have been patched up and I now have even made ammends with you and began the trustworthy testing process. Rumor number three! And each as ridiculous as the next...BITCH, we are in highschool! EVERYTHING you say will get back to me. Stop talking shit and ill stop being such a bitch to you. Now, the rumors themselves I barely have a problem with. I have two specific problems with this unnecessary soap opera that has been forced upon me.

1. I did NOTHING to you. I was your friend, invited you everywhere with us and it was your fault you never came. But now, for some unapparent reason you have the neverending desire to trash my life and fuck up all the new friendships I have? Really, you want to pick on me because my friendships here are fragile and young? That is messed up. You have your place and your friends and everything you could want so why hurt me for no reason.. And the way your doing it and things your saying are shallow and unbelieveable. I just dont understand.

2. The big point. I have been working my ass off since what...? May ? To be trusted and cared about and liked by you guys and yet, your friend comes in and says random shit and suddenly its evening news?! I care so much and give you everything to be accepted and yet you blow me off cause I dont just follow your little orders on demand. God, what the hell does it take to find some friends that are actually LOYAL and willing to STAND UP for their bestfriends. Everytime I hear some shit being talked, unless I fully agree with the discussion, I make sure to defend my friends or people I know. Its what you do as a good person and "bestfriends" who dont have the love and respect to protect their friends need to take a long look at themselves because you are nothing CLOSE to a real friend and soon, youll realize it the hard way. All I want is for someone to just stop and realize how much their fear of helping us who are being talked shit on is affecting and hurting us. Its not fair putting in all the effort and trust and care into a friendship where the other person/and or people just dont give a fuck. IT SUCKS. and personally, ive had enough of it.

love and rockets,
Torrie.

btw. TIERRA TERREL IS NOT A WHORE.

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

So I basically just wrote out this big long blog commending Tierra on her boldness in her blog today and then relating certain girl related issues to myself which after re-reading i realized just looked like a big pity party about how I have no real bestfriend at school. And im not one to sit here and just feel bad for myself... Yes, its sooooo hard for me to really connect with girls at our school even though im dying to finally have REAL friends I can trust and hangout with and I dont know whatever girlfriends do now-a-days. Im just going to continue putting myself out there for better and worse and show my loyalty and trustworthiness to the people I feel deserve it. So many people really take friendship for granted these days and dont realize how much time we DONT have left. And if I have to spend the next year trying to prove to everyone im not just some SC sarcastic bitch with a low tolerance, I will. I cant waste anymore chances at friendship and cant waste anymore time.

Love and rockets,
Torrie.

ps. just dont give up on me, youll be pleasently surprised<3

Highschool

Ruins me. Everything is so back and forth and up and down and drama it exhausts me. Especially relationship drama. Who's getting together whos breaking up whos hooking up. All those things blow over but for someone reason I get shit for being in a healthy relationship?! Yes, I fucking understand my boyfriend dated quite a few people his freshman and sophomore year but guess what ?! SO DID I. Dating alot does not make you a bad person or a whore. So why cant people get over that and realize we have been together for almost a year and hes CHANGED and saved me from the person I could have become if he wasn't there. Hes not an asshole or a manwhore hes one of the most generous and caring people ive ever met and if your jealous im sorry but you need to stop trying to tell me that Oh he used to be like and he used to do and people used to see him like... it doesnt matter to me because I love him for who he is now. He has accepted my past as much as I have accepted his. Also, since when is being whipped a bad thing? If I feel bad after a fight I started and feel the need to take my boyfriend bagelshack is that a bad thing? or if he wants to bring me coffee cause he knows my parents were fighting does that really make him totally "whipped" by me? Enough. I cant take it anymore.

One more thing. How is it that suddenly my bestfriends think its okay to go around and spread shit thats personal between me and my boyfriend? Yes, you saw or yes, you were there. And because of this you have the divine right to go and tell your friends because your my "bestfriend"? no. thats not what bestfriends do, thats what fake friends do. I trusted you with my secrets and my life and if your gonna go and exaggerate or make a bigger deal of something than it is, your gonna lose your bestfriend really quickly.


Torrie

Relieved.

Sooo I think its a no brainer to say that it's obvious how much Austin is willing to do for me, especially when it comes to showing how "whipped" he is. But behind closed doors.. its not so sweet. Orginally we went about 3 months without having a fight. Then we went on to learning how easy it is to hurt and belittle eachother but when i stopped, he wouldn't. I usually instigated the fight i'll admit, but he knew all the right ways to break me apart..Now its been about idk 7 months since the discovery and things have gone from little battles every once in awhile, to hugeeee world wars now and again. And I mean ear shattering, wall punching, balling, mean fights. NOT. PRETTY.  
Lately though we've gone back to the little fights barely ever and i've never been happier. Were back to doing everything we can for eachother and encouraging eachother through the hard times, especially on my side. He's been through so much in the last 8 months and its incredible how strong he has been. I'm so proud and glad ive been able to help him through his family, school, future, sports, and financial problems...And even though were still working out all our kinks, I really believe were gonna make it. Lets just say this weekend definitly was a lifesaver for us <3 Thank you Lord !


extra love and rockets,
Torrie

Oh socal weather.

You never dissapoint. only here can we experience an unnatural downpour of rain followed by clear sky and sun. Yesterday was entertaining, multicultural fair, bomb on freeway, yeah pretty incredible. Later baby came over and Elena me and Austin began our nightly adventure and headed to oeeshi for pregame sushi. Then went to Josh's kickback which turned into a party.. ? That was definitly and experience.. especially for elena.. UM Corryns is tonight and im definitly excited(:
FINALLLLY getting back to normal well even better than normal with Austin.. took quite a while and numerous fights and hurtful things said but its all coming back together <3. THANK GOD.
see you tonight ...

love and rockets,
torrie

One more day

and I can barely stand it. This might be my most needed weekend of the year. I barely did anything too but for some reason I am so incredibly eager to get my extra hours and party hardy at Corryn's. One thing that happened this week was my registration to formspring. Although I swore i would hate it and it would be gone in less than 24 hours, ive grown to appreciate the chance to be incredibly honest to those who are curious or just rude. The one that affected me the most though, was the first one... youve come along way. That was it. I mean really? Come on at least an explanation would have clarified the reasoning behind it and then i wouldnt have had that phrase in my head for the past three days. I'll admit my past moral compass didnt exactly point due north and to hear my progress is noticable is fantastic, but i wish my past would stop being brought up. Ive noticed that when you regret something and want it go away, it constantly is thrown back in your face no matter how hard you attempt to get rid of the memory. But, I dont wanna get into this now...definitly gonna dive into some haagen daaz and Dodgeball.
ps. I promise ill get more personal and into this.

love and rockets,
torrie

day two

Free pancake day was ultimately a success.<3  However, geometry test.. not so much. Later went shopping with mother and obtained many new items to add to my already unnecessarilly overflowing closet. Also, i never realized how many birthdays are coming up.. jeeeez its ridiculous ha its hard to keep up with who to regift to (we all do it.), who to make big fashionable cards to, and who to actually spend the time and money on... aka, the few people you actually give a shit about. Chelsea, A.J., Mommy, and Nicole, expect newly bought gifts.. I'm mentally exhausted at the moment so maybe next time ill begin talking about more serious factors than my day or my personal theory on birthdays.

love and rockets,
torrie

New to this...

Not even gonna try and take credit for doing this on my own.. I've never been one to allow myself to show true colors or my past or my feelings or anything, but Tierra putting her emotions and feelings out there for everyone really inspired me so im going to give this a shot.. I definitley feel like over time I'll become a lot more comfortable expressing myself and talking more loosely but right now this is all a little akward and overwhelming even if there's noone reading it.. Just the possibility of being able to reveal myself (including my past) to people is crazy. Soooo maybe ill just begin with my day... After a vicious arguement with Austin last night he ended up bringing me starbucks. Smart guy, fight over. Morning continues with the discovery of Molly's tragic fall and another boring class in chem ,geometry, and history. English though, was great Zoe is now in that class which makes my favorite class already that much more incredible mainly because of the reason she was put into it. But I wish she realized how much potential and talent she has to become an amazing dancer and I know going into advanced is going to give her the confidence she needs to progress. Anyway, free pancake day is tommarow from 7am to 10pm and personally I am ecstatic. I cannot think of a better way to spend an hour that eating free pancakes with friends, but maybe that's just me..Thats all i have for now and I do feel pretty good..

love and rockets,
torrie